Emotional Punching Bag

I always find myself stuck in people's problems, always given the annoying role of being the mediator or the decider.

I was going to go out to Obar with Jeannette cause I'm an obvious sellout for a cheap high then it turned into a daughter-stop-mother-from-doing-something-stupid night.
She called me out to go drink with her and I hung up on her and made cancellation calls and reports to my dad. When I'd finally gotten a chance to call her back she thought she was second place and there starts the emotional blackmail.
My dad had done to look for her first so the 3 of us sat at the country club with her sipping on long island tea without coke and with horrible country music in the background.

She starts her depressed state of mind with opinions that don't change and expectations that are supposed to be lived after - there is no sign of gratitude when achieved. I never understood how someone this sad could be this blind and two-faced.
Boy does she ruin love and marriage for me with what I know is utter bullshit but is supported by years and years of accumulation and cause and effect.

It's a pity that she's so cold and hard now when we're not that different. She tried to harden my heart, she tried to position me into avoidance of the opposite sex, she tried to love me as much as she possibly could; all as effort to make sure I wouldn't end up like her. Swept up and over, married and lost it all again.
The complexity of the marriage between my parents is still cosmic and unbound which still have affected the way I thought and still think about life and love especially.
I end up being the emotional punching bag for both of them when they get sick of bruising each other.

Anyhow I ended up drinking by the bar next door while waiting for her to finish her jackpot nonsense. I was drinking by myself and so hurt and upset by the things she says I stole $2 from my mum just so I could buy cigarettes off people.
I was so happy that the members of my country club would let me just take a cigarette after cigarette off them. I think I drank almost a tower of beer got exhausted and went to the jackpot room that looked like an elderly home to have free congee. Eventually I got my high from ringing machines mum home.

Some night...

Stabby Stab Stab

I was having the worst day at work. I felt overworked, out of control and totally stressed out. I was the only bar staff around today and had to run around a lot.

Even though I got one of the floor staff to help me pour beer she was also much too sick for her to help me do anything else. I felt super exhausted already and called for the last order but they kept coming in one after another that I had to reprint so many bills.
Plus my boss was holding onto the inventory and lots of the bottles weren't back at the bar for me to close the bottle book entries. By the time I had finished everything it was already 50 minutes past closing time when I had started cleaning the bar and did everything on time just nice for a (at most) 20 minute delay.

At 1.50AM I was calling for two of my girls to get into the cab with me home but some customer was still flirting with her and didn't let lose of his hold on her. Oh I snapped... I started spilling vulgarities to the general public and complaining that I have school and a 4 damn deadlines waiting for me. I'm so glad that guy was still sober enough to give a shit about me and my tantrum.
I had never lost my temper at work before and oh the guilt killed me when I got home.

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I'm never ever telling a penis how wide my hips are anymore. Everyone's doing that "WHAT YOU ARE BIGGER THAN ME? HARHAHAHAR."
I'm 2 inches away from having a 10inch difference between my hips and waist. I'm curvy that's it. But got no boobs. But it's okay. Oh fuck you.

Merry Black

My period is finally over that's why I'm so happy today. So fuck you all.

I don't know what hit me so badly I normally never ever get hit by hormones that make me wanna go crazy. Whatever the turn of situation is I shall not over analyze and think too much about things or what others think of me. Cause I know some things aren't in my control and well maybe I'm just a little different/strange/weird then. I wish not to be judged upon the basis of someone else when I haven't even gotten a chance to prove myself. Then again there is always the suspected fear and precaution we're all partaking which I hope will die down and disintegrate.

Anyway the day was clammy, wet and refreshing. I took the opportunity to dress in black sheer knee high socks, a gray lace dress, black cardigan, tortoise shell kitten heels, brown messenger and my little black umbrella. I was obviously overdressed for school as compared to my normal lazy days. But I was happy so happy. I don't know why this is blog worthy but I am happy, so so so so happy.

I Think Bloody Beetroots Was Rolling

Warp warp twins for the win.

Honey I Got Diamonds On My VaJJ

Vajazzled

This brings a whole new term to blingin' everything.

You Used To Hold Me

Calvin Harris isn't one of the artists I would purposely play when I start up my iPod but this song has been getting into me a lot recently.


Artist: Calvin Harris
Track from Album: Ready For The Weekend

Knocked down everything I tried to do | That sounds something like me holding you | I've known this can make you understand | Take my spirit from my open hand

You used to hold me| You used to hold me | You used to hold me me me me, yeah

You know better than I do.

Emergency Skincare

I've been working with Rash a lot at the bar recently and she's on a mission to cut down and eventually quit smoking. She's been trying to scare with me with how old I would start looking; with wrinkles, bad teeth and haggard eyes plastered to my face.
Most of the time I stare at her, laugh and walk out to enjoy my senescence causing stick.

When there's nothing much to do I don't like to look stupid standing at the bar having to diligently stare at the glasses of customers and shoving the next round to them. When there's too much to do, I would take the next open opportunity to shift my weight from my braving feet to my underused ass. Either way it means I gotta smoke and smoke even more. I smoke the most when I'm working.

Then today I had a good long stare at myself when I was sitting on the sink counter with my feet soaked in warm water and I felt I looked awful.

I rushed downstairs to eat any form of supplement I could find. Vitamin C, calcium, cod liver oil, evening primrose and iron pills.
I also started this 6 step face care regime.

Of course I let Rash have the last laugh when I told her of my frantic antics.

Wheel The Dumbbell

Sometimes I really hate hanging out with Rachel my unintentional bimbocity is always at its peak. I'll complain about something and then she comes up with the most obvious solution that dazzles in its brilliance of simplicity. PFFT baby I hate you.

Helidisc

I'm so pissed off that I woke up in the midst of my mid-terms. I studied hard only to miss it. What a fucktard I am.
So the depressed kid went to get very high on alcohol and went really omph with dancing today that she managed to end up on the podium and went jumping off and on it. Helipad's crowd and music was so much better today, best I've ever seen or maybe the Sarongfly blew the fuck out of my brains. BUT I WAS SO HAPPY.

FUCK THE WORLD.

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Happy birthday Busybeetroots sorry that I wished you late. But I love you. HAHAAAAAAAAAR

The Fear

I never want to be the one left behind,
by a lover
or by my friends

Lazy Busy Women

Recently I feel so insecure about the way I look. Everyday I feel more and more fugly. Like everyone's watching and judging me.

Normally I wouldn't be affected at all cause that's just how I look like and I can't do anything else about it but nowadays it's a completely different story. I get to self conscious I just wanna be plain and be out of sight. I do not bother with make up cause crayons cannot shift the features of my face. Plus the effort would probably make it more obvious that I still look horrible that make-up cannot save me.

I cannot stand the way I look anymore and I hate the way I look different everyday that if I don't dress accordingly to certain moods or cuts I'll look horrible.

This is too much effort! URGH.
I haven't been so critical about my appearance ever and I really don't understand how this is happening.
And fuck my lack of proportionality.

Sarong Fly

Helipad's Sarong-fly has a magical hold on me.

Senor Doors

During my usual study date with Rachel, I walked into another automatic sliding door yet again. This time Holland Village's Coffee Bean. I took a step back and forth twice whilst the barista standing behind the counter, at a significant distance from a door waved a cardboard take home holder and the door opened. It would not open for a human being but a piece of cardboard, I was beyond the valleys of embarrassed and silly. The other times I went out for a smoke, yes it refused to open for me half the time but would let me in easy.

Recently I have developed a habit for beer after studying. That's how Rachel and I got our first pub date and I was so so worried that she would not be able to walk home.

5AM: Bed, Bed, Bed. Sleeeeeeeeeep

YAY PICNIC!
We had so so so much food. My mozzarella cheese sticks were a success that turned to failure after being stuck in a tupperware that dripped with condensation. Nick kept me happy with pie though. Mmmmm pie, I'm a huge sucker for Big Ben's Place pie now. I keep getting this random craving for pie all the time now.

So we had food, music and wine. What could be better than this really...
And then Celine came up with this idea to Mah-Jong at my place, I thought I was at CLB class. Kept asking what 'wind' I was, then again the whole table were CLB kids.